Saturday, May 2, 2015

Time...in our busy lives.

There are many moments in our lives which we never relish until they are lost. Which make them memories. But what's the use of memories if only we are going to miss them...
Let me be selfish here for a moment. We are always chasing after a dream...or something...and we never stop. We are never satisfied. And in this hurry we forget one important thing...in chasing that dream...that we are growing up...we are growing older...and exhausting those few previous moments we have left on this earth to be human. And it all comes down to one and only one thing...Time. It is everything...and it defines what is happening. And I lost some of it today.

Permutation by nature

Its so funny when we look at the world around us....and how we try to control it...there are random things happening which define our lives. No matter how hard we try to avoid something...it is bound to happen. It doesn't necessarily have to be with your girlfriend, siblings, friends or enemies. It can be anyone. You decide not to go out on a drinking date with buddies....yet u find yourself drunk next morning with a terrible hangover and a phone full of crazy pics. You decide to stay home and have a peaceful evening and it turns out u have important appointments. You decide after a heartbreak...not to fall in love or rather lust again...and yet u find an amazing girl you can't help stop spending time with.

It's as if the world is aligned to make things happen which you decide shouldn't happen. And the more you resist...they more they happen. Probably a coincidence or a permutation by nature itself.

The only solution I ever found out was 'to go with the flow' and 'expect the unexpected'. When you don't think too much about stuff....don't resist...and just go on living your life...the chips are sure to fall in the right place. And these are what made the taglines of my life and my relationship.

A way I guess nature..or god...or the god particle has devised our lives to tell us...don't loose hope. When u stop trying for something....that thing is bound to happen if it is decided. I don't think there is some higher power at work here. ..or a book of karma or fate. Its just a coincidence..to make our lives better.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Weekends and bookends...

Mood: lonely

Drinking: coffee

Listening : Shine on you crazy diamond - pink Floyd

Watching: edge of tomorrow

Reading: Salem's lot

Weekends usually give me a jittery feeling.  Initially I used to think probably because of my insecurities about people running away when I am not with them...but now I think it may be...or it may not be. Some scars may never heal...but we can learn to overlook them...and with time, forget them...unless someone decides to claw at them. But enough blabbering about random out of topic stuff.

Maybe my insecurity lies with something greater than just people. Its my own life which has been forked out in two different worlds. When I go away from my PG room over the weekends * probably fortnightly*  to visit my hometown...I feel as if I am entering to a different world where the time is different...I have people to take care of me...which is different than my usual solitary recluse self. Actually I loose my independence in a way of living my life. But its not bad....I just feel I don't belong there.

Which brings me to the bookends....or closures. I cannot rest easy unless I finish a book...and I cannot be at peace unless I find a closure *accept it... Partial things and knowledge are always dangerous and harmful*. And when I get free time on weekends I actually don't want to start anything...which I may not be able to complete....because I probably have too many things at my hand and over the week busy with work, I may never finish what I started. This leaves me bored and longing to return back to the place from where I came.

People also make it difficult. Whenever we add humans in the equation...it always gets complex. The people who stay with me all the time during the week...just disappear or ignore me over the week...*probably what I think in my head* and they think they are giving me space....which I am pretty sure I don't require. And there comes my insanity crashing down. Cause I am stuck in some void where I have nothing to do....and the one thing which pulls me back to the world I come from....ignores me.

Its funny how we can never understand time. The free time especially...which passes on...taking my bits of my patience with its every moment.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

So...what is LOVE?

Love...one word we have been through most of our life...many have fought for it...while many have been hurt over it, many have fallen for it...and many more define their life through it... But do we really know what love is?
Is it just a feeling or an emotion? As I used to think not some long time ago...its probably a dopamine induced addiction...or probably something else without notion.
When you love someone...you cannot think of anything other than that special person.
When you are loved by someone....the only 'word' that can define your world is "Heaven".

So what is Love? Is it a thought or an emotion?
Is it a feeling or an expression? Is it an addiction or a hopeless notion?

Love is something beautiful...
Which cannot be defined...
Its a feeling which makes you feel secure
Its an emotion which triumphs every other emotion
Its a thought being thought from your heart..
Its an addiction you can never get rid of..
And its a notion you can never be tired of.

Friday, August 22, 2014

A new beginning

Its been a really a very long time since I have written anything...nor in my dairy nor on twitter followers or anywhere. And it sucks cause I need to get things out of my head..and what better place can be than a blog.
I have changed a lot since I last saw this blog...but now consider it as an impromptu resolution that I will be writing something everyday...either over here...or in my diary.

But first things first...I got give this blog a good makeover to make it feel more like me... Especially after all the darkness..I have found my own enlightenment...or rather my own flame which will burn and drive away my darkness.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

A deeper insight into the social circle..

Mood: Depressed

Listening to: Femme Fatale – Thomas Bergersen

Writing: A Fetish

Playing: Dishonored (PC)

Watching: Catch me if you can

Drinking: Tea

Its time I get a new pair of headsets….these old ones with short chords, are bugging me..and someday soon are going to break my neck.

Yes…after you read my tweets you get a shallow idea about what i think about all the time, most people think its crazy and i personally don't give a damn.

But the important point of this post is about something new..well i am working now…and  this resulted in me meeting new people, seeing a few new places and making some new acquaintances .

No one bothers to read what i write, so why not i just speak everything straightforward. Like it has happened to me every time…i am the freak of the group.  The people seem to be nice and outgoing but i don’t understand why they all find me weird?..no i don't have scissors for my hands or scars on my face.

I should stop talking one suggests, others don't understand what i say, both things mean the same anyways. Rest, few think i am crazy just because they don't understand what i talk about. I talk about things like science,medical mysteries, new inventions, poetries, and computers. is it all that bad? They only care about Bollywood movies, gossip and politics.

I don't understand what to talk and how to talk so that everyone understands. i don't like teasing people or pull their legs all the time. Its futile and boring..yet people do like it. There is this one girl, who likes being teased and behaves as a total dumb idiot, why??…because at least she is being teased and that keeps her in the centre of attention. Personally i think that's pure masochism. Others they just enjoy it as it gives them a chance to hit on her…and when she is not there..they say such disgusting stuff about her, it makes me feel sick. Sick because how pathetic this humanity is…how low people can get!! you might think i should have had said that she deserves it for pretending an idiot. But i can see there is something in her..something she hides, to cover up the darkness and behave normal..which at least keeps her surrounded by people. but i can also see she is a good person inside, and pretty brilliant i might add, why she behaves like this is out of my logical scope of understanding.

There’s this other person who think’s he is the centre of everything…and the world of everyone else revolves around his decisions and he influences everyone’s life. well..i personally don't think any of this is true. and no wonder he might be a self centred idiot, others who he believes to be his fans(when he is around), bitch stuff about him behind his back.

I personally never base my behaviour with someone based on some other’s presumptions. cause that is the worst thing to do. I rather know the person and then adjust how i behave with them.

First i thought this was a better place , but now i understand  the entire world along with all those who inhabit it is …rotten, with maggots of deceit crawling over them. People have no respect for anyone…or anything. But they do care for their own self respect..no matter if they have to destroy others for the sake of it.

Such a funny thing this social world is. i can never  understand what it all means …cause its not something what it seems. A place where people wear masks all the time..and use those masks not to hide their madness, but to disrespect and lie to others in their faces.

Let them consider me to be abnormal or a freak, but deep inside i do know, even if i don't fit in with anyone…i am true to myself and i am a better person…but not human.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Loneliness…and intoxication.

Mood: Lonely

Listening to: Hear of Courage – Two steps from hell

Writing: The Plague and the Doctor

Playing: Borderlands (PC)

Watching: Sweeney Todd : Demon barber of fleet street

Drinking: Whiskey

Ok… am a little intoxicated, probably as usual..cause its the only way i can be myself…in the sense of being a bit more human and little less morbid. I am listening to Two steps from hell discographies and just instrumentals to get my head straight since last 3 hours and its already 2.00am. Though i admit i am tired, but i am not able to sleep.

You may have realized me tweeting all the time about some girl i like, some girl i hate and what not, But actually i don't know how to define it! I do fall for them…but now its mostly left as a mental  infatuation rather some physical attraction. If i enjoy talking with a girl, i most likely will fall for her, no matter her physical manifestation. and it bugs me! its getting too hard to blend with guys of my age…cause guys expect different things out of girls!

Obviously i wont be mentioning any names here..but people mostly understand if i am talking about them. truthfully i am never able to flirt with girls, as i have no sense of humour which i regret very very much. I still date never made any move on any girl cause frankly i don't understand their emotional needs to match up to their speed and depth and they do realize it, alienating me. its one thing i have always wondered, guys can never understand if i am faking appreciations, sadness, laughter…but girls seem to pick up on my tells. Mostly i have been saying ‘yes ‘ to any girl who asks me out…because i have this concept, which i think underlies everything. Consider you like someone..and you ask him/her out and she denies…you fell bad, broken. but if he/she accepts it..you feel something different..something like you have power to conquer this entire world.  no matter if the relationship is short, or maybe its just 2 dates…yet you don't feel as bad as you do if your crush just denies you the first time. That’s why i accept, cause if someone likes me…i might as well be making her day..by doing something good.

Since my mind is overflowing with things right now and i got no one to talk with…as i rarely talk with people.  Alcohol opens me up..but yet, i never let out any of my thoughts and opinions as society thinks them to be too much twisted and different than what everyone thinks to be normal! this has turned me into a liar…lying and pretending about things and stories just to look normal, so i can at least converse , without being the freak of my social circles.Even girls who do like me…start keeping their distance once they know  i write poetries, draw art and listen to classic rock, instrumentals and more of themes and pieces, its just not my thing to track each and every thing that goes in the current world! i keep a track of what is important like gadgets, OSes, scientific superiorities and advances, biology and biotechnology, forensics, psychological disorders, and epidemiology of bacteria and viruses.  is it that bad? cause most of the things i know no one is ever interested in. they only care about crappy movies, romantic bullshit and what’s happening in lives of celebrities, which frankly is pointless. this not only separates me as we have nothing in common, but also makes them feel weird talking with me.

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