Thursday, December 15, 2011

Darkest Darkness!

I am always in awe of our  complex minds…..its  like something which you own yet never fully understand it till we die! And you do realize its true! and we never think about it!

But every time i embrace my darkest side, a part of me realizes the depths, the darkest halls inside me, which were never explored! and it makes me realize…every time i push, i enter a new dimension,a hibernal reality, which i could never have witnessed if i hadn’t tried ! but my mind progresses, as i learn and get acclimated with that darkness and next time, its not something i have to pull out of the depths, its already a part of me.Thus pushing my mind to its extremes, or might i consider i don't push it, it just wanders there, and i love to wander.

I have this insanity which i have to hide from every one. Its not something offensive like a paraphilia, cause paraphilic tendencies are related to sexual feelings and fetishes, and mine is not. Also paraphiles are not actually insane, they are normal, appear normal, but there is something off about them. Lets just say they have different flavours and tastes..hehe. I don't blame or judge them, cause for me its normal, for normal its not normal. People are just born.. this way or there are certain incidents which make them the way they are. But to the point, my mind is somewhat different, which i can’t truly explain. and lets not discuss it in detail, as it might be quite sociopathic in real life.

The point is.. the insanity, or whatever it is, changes everyone or at least it has changed me…or lets just say instead of pretending it i have plainly accepted it, and now it feels much better. But this insanity twists our soul or the mind, making me blind to humanity  and what it links to. I don't feel emotions or mostly they are just plain twisted, which make me react erratically to normal scenarios, which tells people there is something off about me.  actually i don't know how to react to those scenes, and producing emotions which should look authentic is very difficult. That’s why if someone approaches me with some bad news or good news(about them), i cant suddenly react, leaving me staring at them with a blank expression! I mean i don't know what to say to them to make them feel ok. This is the main reason for my lack of enthusiasm and excitement. but having my nerve centres and emotional pieces eternally depressed or cut off has a benefit as it breeds patience.  The thing is i have dug my mind high and low, and yet i get more and more insane…

Pretending to be insane and being insane are extremely different conditions. but its always better to pretend. I pretend to have a part of insanity like a poser so others think i am just pretending or am an unexplained psychopath, but it helps in cloaking my true self, the true form of insanity inside.and i have many friends who love to pretend like they are insane, just to be friends with me! i cant imagine why would someone want that..!! if you truly have a certain madness inside, you can easily tell who else has, and who is pretending.

Mostly whoever have this darkness harboured inside are off, as they are themselves twisted inside. But yet its quite difficult to know who is what kinds of insane. Its like a masquerade, where everyone wears masks, which are the faces they show to the world, or by which the saner people know them, but its the trick to see what face they have behind those masks which no one knows, the secrets and fetishes they have it hidden. So for now i do have to wear my own mask which blends with my original face to show i am pretending, to hide the truth. who think they know me are so lost and its sometimes quite amusing to see them being fooled cause they will literally die of shock if they ever encounter my true self. hemophagia and taphophilia are just the most milder concepts of my darkest darkness.

Many of you saner minds might not know what i am talking about. Its not in every individual to think about certain stuff and not feel bad about it. or maybe saner minds cant think about it..cause they are blind to the complex reality, the web and particles of life surrounding them, linking them to each other, changing every moment based on the decisions, actions and consequences.

Mood: Twisted!!

Listening to: Still (Chiasm)

Writing: Poetry (Immortal’s Lament)

Playing: Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodlines

Watching: Dexter

Drinking: Blood..kidding.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Supernatural across cultures….with a striking coincidence!!

I have always wondered about various superstitions or considerations by people about the supernatural or paranormal…which always find some or the other similarities with other cultures..or rituals.

There are many examples i have observed over time..well though some of the most notable might be..

  • In hinduism it is considered that a dog howling and crying in front porch of a house is a bad omen…possibly because it can see the supernatural approaching for someone in that house…now i dont know why this omen consideration was started…but still..In some of the occult books i have had read that during summoning rituals and conjuration we can apply the tears of a howling dog to enable us to see the spirit…i donno how much it really is true..cause i never went and tried it..but it does ring a bell..

can dogs really see the supernatural???..and is that the reason why they cry and howl??

and how does two religions or cultures of people from different continent have a certain belief that has aspects similar in them??

  • Also we can see many Deities, Gods and Goddesses similar in most ancient cultures..though they have different names and forms…their basic idea remains the same.Now Lilith has many manifestations…but mainly is seen as a female vampire deity.In hinduism she is known as Goddess Kali,In mayans as lilitu and if we consider most of the cultures you will find a deity which matches the vampire description. Thus was she really the first vampire as we come to know(yes you all believe this all is fake and no such things as vampires exist)but there is a point here in it…how come there are records of deity in various cultures across continents which have an almost exact match???? i.e. A female Vampire Deity??

These are some of the examples to think upon…Also you can consider the Lord of underworld Hades and The Destroyer Shiva appear to be the same. Also being spread across the world when no technology to spread the knowledge was present…i think personally they all were real…cause its quite difficult and highly coincidental that all different cultures came across the same deities …just named them according to language and culture!!

So were these deities real at some period of time??Have they forsaken us???

and if they were where are they now??..or what happened to them??

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Humans…are they Aliens??

As a kid i was always fascinated about how humans evolved and at those times the texts only displayed a single line of human evolution chart…but i always considered humans to be alien species on this earth considering the rate of evolution and the major differences in increased intellect and physical degression as considered to other beings on this planet…

But always my major question was why had the primates have to be evolved into such a intellectual Homo genus while others were left so behind??…that there is no other specie to compete with humans…even our other primate brethren are not able to keep up….

This seems a bit odd as considered to the natural and evolutionary laws of nature and darwinism…

The nature though selects the strongest species but still maintains its population by developing a predator - prey relationship and other considering factors….but in case of humans this cannot be seen..or has the nature created a fault which has caused its own destruction…

The human specie has been unchecked …increasing its population at uncontrollable rates…it can be seen though nature devises various strategies to destroy humans….clearly humans evade these quite easily just by their intellect…which has evolved and still is evolving making them superior at every turn.

So i wonder how can such a blunder occur that nature develops such a specie which is ultimately going to cause its own destruction….

Thats why i always considered Humans, not made originally on earth but found earth as a habitable and suitable planet which had its own pace of evolution and development. So being foreign Aliens to the earth..humans with their own rapid pace of evolution..outraced its original beings…who by their slower paces of evolution could not keep up…leading to the domination of the planet by Homo genus….Thus being not originally from here…nature is quite helpless to control the spread of human civilization…by creating any other viable predator against humans,thus failing to keep a check on their population.

And now after the population explosion…and atmospheric differences making inhabitable for humans….they are now searching other planets to inhabit…like mars and may be any other!!!..which seems quite instinctual to me…which may have been done quite millions of years before…by hominids of another planet like earth which became they had to leave their home planet and come to this planet called EARTH!

And considering the viable option and superior intellectual capacities any other specie if had chosen earth, would have had done the same thing…what hominids did…conquer the planet!!

Love..the drug it is!!

“And love at first sight really does exist - with euphoric chemicals flooding the brain just one fifth of a second after spotting someone you fancy…”

Many of you must have felt the restlessness,agony and joys of being in love… ..yes the taboo word LOVE…which most are too excited to fall in…..

All Humans consider that love is a strong emotion and a sense of feeling and possession which arises from our heart and tells you that she/he is your soulmate….Heh!!…i am absolutely delighted to tell you all that there in nothing wrong with your heart nor your soul..and love never has anything related to spirituality…and even noone ever thinks by their hearts….each and every organism thinks by its brain..and so even you.

So why do you feel there is something wrong with you when you like someone of opposite sex(in some cases, of same sex too ;) )…well..its not because they are your soulmate…but because your brain is secreting a host of chemicals in your blood..and your animalistic instincts kicking in!!

Yes instincts….all animals in this world are here to mate..and ofcourse increase the number of their species…and that’s exactly why you feel love and need for a mate.And trust me…humans also come under animals only!!!

About secreting chemicals…well human brains secrete epinephrine,dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin…when they meet or come in contact with the person they suppose to love…Now i know this rings a bell in your heads..YES….

“love is not about emotion but the feel what your own physical body creates for you….”

and  these chemicals are associated with many body processes…but majorly come under only one topic headline…(other than love) DRUGS.

Yes when humans are doped with drugs these are exactly the chemicals secreted..As these powerful chemicals run riot down the neuronal pathways, they dilute and cancel out the nerve chemical called serotonin. Serotonin controls impulses, unruly passions, obsessive behaviour: it aids the sense of power over action, the feeling of "being in control". A severe depletion of serotonin can induce panic, anxiety, queasiness, manic behaviour, depression, obsession: "I can't get her/him out of my mind  I'm thinking about her/him all the time."

And yes this is exactly why people  go mad in love. For this moment consider love is like a drug…consider we call it L.

Now you take a shot of a drug…you feel great..and if its truely enjoyable,you crave for it more and more..and you want a shot of it everytime. This same thing happens in case of L…you see a girl…you like her..and your brain secretes these euphoric chemicals…you meet her and talk with her…more strong dose of these chemicals…and this goes on increasing everytime…until you get so addicted to her that you cant live without her.

And when due to some reasons you dont get to meet her…you start relapsing like a drug addict….you cant think straight, everywhere you only see her…and more of her…and in extreme cases are ready to withstand anything for her.and this is the major reason for the emotional and mental torture you seem to feel after you are in love.

A new Stanford study just out in the journal PLOS ONE — weird name but excellent scientific journal — scanned the brains of undergraduates as they experienced the pain of a “thermal stimulator” on the palms of their hands. When a picture of their beloved was flashed before them, it provided not just distraction but actual relief. And the brain pathways resembled those involved in the highs of illicit drugs.

And yes there have been drugs developed to simulate love…the best example here is Ecstasy, scientifically known as MDMA (Methylenedioxymethamphetamine), is a powerful illegal drug that teens use to get high. “E,” as it is sometimes called, is a stimulant that usually comes in pill form, but is also available as a powder that can be snorted. and  two common side effects of the drug are loss of inhibitions and unusual displays of affection... yes after taking it you feel the sense of cuddling with each other..touching and a host of other afflictations..which you would experiance in LOVE.

So my friends….This is what we all describe as Romantic love and True Love…LOL:D

So for a better life..i suggest to develop drugs to stop these feelings and relieve most of this humanity of pain and agony….and scientists are already on it..called the ANTI-LOVE drugs.

and i dont want any crap on posting that love is not pain and agony….it is…cause all relationships are perfect at start…but never end well..

This does prove that romantic love is actually just a game of chemicals in your brains..stuthere is nothing like a feeling of emotion or some pid spirituality in it..but still there is nothing like it!!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

A Weird Personality

Mood: Refreshed!

Listening to: Reunion (Assassin’s Creed Revelations OST)

Writing: Poetry (Immortal’s Lament)

Playing: The Elder Scrolls Skyrim

Watching: Spectacular Spiderman

Drinking: Coffee

hmm..its 2.30 am, and i don’t remember passing out at night 6 hours before…but i feel refreshed like i have never been in my entire life. Maybe i have to find something of my sleeplessness. Staying awake for 2-3 days in stretch , surely takes its toll by me passing out at an unfortunate moment.yet here i sit sipping coffee and reading stuff that should never matter to me..but out of plain curiosity. but that’s not the point why i am like typing this in the middle of the night.

have you ever had like a certain, what’s the word??…something like a fetish…not exactly the weird perverted thing you are thinking, but a certain kind of obsession which until you satisfy takes over your mind?? I know its really weird, and by weird i mean apocalyptic weird, not just some minor trifle.

I am not talking about what i crave for, but lets just say..its really not worth publishing on a blog…but it does get me obsessed, really obsessed, until i get what i want, and then there is this sick feeling of guilt and  self realization, which takes me back to my original self. It lasts for a 2-3 days to a week, and then again i get obsessed. Its like a weird sort of personality i take over,or rather it takes over me.

Many of you may have noticed, i talk weird things sometimes, which may seem illogical, or sometimes i just forget..but i think its a part of this personality, or that personality.i don’t exactly know.

I dont suffer from MPD though, its because i know of me and my various forms.  But i hate that obsession thing which infects my mind, and thought i may try to control it, it gets the best of me.

but i always felt, we don’t harm anyone,not even ourselves, then its not a problem is it??

Friday, November 25, 2011

Goth! Make me one!

Mood: Sick..but laughing at an inside joke!!

Listening to: Hawke Family Theme (Dragon Age 2 OST)

Writing: Poetry (Immortal’s Lament)

Playing: The Elder Scrolls Skyrim

Watching: Game Reviews

Drinking: Blood..kidding.(Hot chocolate)

Its really weird why people have to always try and copy each other. Everyone is cast into a kind of person since birth, which can never be changed. The way Goths are…

i met a guy once during college, who had been searching a lot for me…why??? because he wanted to become a vampire, and he behaved like one. So everyone directed him towards me. The guy wanted to become a Goth and twisted and write morbid poetries , draw weird art forms and get all the attention from his friends.

The conversation stuck up kind of weird…(weird even for me)

Guy: Hey man wassup?? was looking for you..

Me: (Silence)

Guy: You truly are my Goth brother!!

Me: umm…well..i dont define myself one!(*thinking* WTF!!)

Guy: I have read your poems and everyone here talk quite a lot about you.

Me: well …yeah i write poetries.

Guy: I wanted to write such death poems do you write ??

Me: well…they are not death poems exactly, its called macabre art and it comes naturally to me.

Guy: Come on man….tell me your secret! you seriously cant think about cannibals and eat up your girlfriends,  think about necrophiles…you must copy it from somewhere. this is the reason why everyone talks about you. i also want to be the centre of such dark attention!!!

Me: Hmm…i never copy the stuff. I think about it all the time..and i never wished for attention. Rather they curse me and taunt me…each and every day of my life.

Guy: ohh…really…but the stuff is quite disgusting. You seriously can’t think about eating up people.

Me: You haven’t heard my thoughts!!

Guy: So what kind of Goth are you??? I follow the Blood Goths, you know those whose eyes are full of blood!! I am a Venture.

Me:Weird i haven’t heard of it.

Guy: you are a goth? right?? you don’t know this stuff?

Me: Nope.

Guy: you are a fledgling then!!a novice

Me:What!!? get your Facts straight!!

Guy: You dont know the basic goth concept of family bloodline, novice, adept, master, ancient. the tribes Venture, Tremere, Nosferatu

Me: You don’t know anything do you? they are the concept of a game, Vampire the Masquerade. from the Famous World of Darkness!You have been playing a RPG game.

Guy: Nope. What game? I have read about the site, and logged in there..They are the real goths unlike posers like you.

Me: Poser? really?amusing

Guy: you don’t know anything about goths. you think its a game.

Me: hmm..consider what you may! i have the Game . Google Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines

Guy: I will see at home. but you can’t think morbid stuff like others say of you.

Me: Nah..i just think of hanging men upside down and cutting up their necks, so that their blood forms a crimson pool, drowning the babies i keep in a tub under them

Guy: yuck!! you are sick!

Me: I know! welcome to my world!

It was the most funniest part and the last line had actually made my point. you can never be what you aren’t. i don’t usually think about such stuff. and i don’t always write  poetries of the dead, they signify something, a different thing. I never defined myself one…just found i was one.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Dazed and Confused


Mood: Hmm…don’t exactly know

Listening to: Boulevard of broken dreams (Greenday)

Writing: Poetry (Masquerade of Eternity)

Playing: The Elder Scrolls Skyrim

Watching: DeviantART profiles

Drinking: Coffee…need a lot of caffine in my system.

Its really weird as i keep on writing here instead of my journal, i guess blogging is much better than writing in a book, as most of the time i have to keep aside my laptop just to write something. Now i know why people are so addicted to onling blogs, and journals, cause all you have to do is just minimize a window, and keep typing in your fav blog writer (i use windows live writer BTW).

I still don’t know why i have made this entry..and why am i blogging still?? ain’t i supposed to study for oncoming NET exams, and possibly get a good job?? May be i was bored of my life and constant work pressure that i am taking some time off..

But i am guessing, i am bored of Biotechnology, i always loved screwing with living organisms, but i don’t see any future here.I mean i dont even know in what topic i should get my Doctrate. I think people were right, i should have had gone into computer or IT field, which all comes naturally to me. I never have to learn about computers, softwares or in that case any other gadget, or stuff. It all comes naturally, just give me a new tablet or smartphone, or a laptop or a software and give me 15 mins, i can show you how it works, and how to use it. but biotech always had my heart. always dreamt about being a biotechnologist, or some weird scientist.

Years before it was because of the movie Jurassic Park and InGen, then i saw all the Marvel superheroes have a phd in some or the other science field..and as i grew up…i  realized i loved playing with organisms more, and went through to become what i wanted to become. And i did, just i don’t find it much fun now.I enjoy every bit of practical and field study, but here its all theory, and you don’t get to work with anything.

Sucks real bad!!!

Ah…my friend is calling me again. and i guess he deserves some attention after i have ignored all his calls entire day. Lets do some laptop repairs and coding work…as usual i have to help him (BTW did you know he is a computer engineer and i am a Biotechnologist, it should have had been opposite)

Immortal Obsession

Hibernal in the hallows of the dark..
i watch you with my sacred anonymosity,
as i have been stalking you for years...
since the day you were born in my eternity..

absorbed in my morbid delirium..
strewn across this broken mind...
i am tainted by your macabre desires..
Infected by your stolen smile..

passing me with your mesmerizing beauty..
you walk alone with your silent grace
as your fragrance fills this stale atmosphere..
enchanting this long forgotten mourning place...

obsessed to the depths of my core
i follow your long karmic strides..
shifting the balance of my existence..
killing my consciousness inside..

like a face hidden in my destiny
you strut right across this broken heart
with those dark clairvoyant eyes...
making me succumb to your wizardry charm..

as he looms into the picture perfect
the velvet voices in my head whisper
jealousy causing ripples in heart
to kill him without any guilty despair..

this feral rage growing inside
as he touches your nectarine skin
as the voices cloud my judgemental psyche
fixated unto this insatiable sin

death being an instinctual guest
i reap pleasure in its service
though is this only an unfortunate soul
why does my eternal harvest cease?

your happiness in this fortunate being
leaving a hole in my undead heart
the voices get louder in symphony
tearing my insanity apart..

petrified and paralyzed she shrieks
as blood gushes through the twisted neck
as the scarlet crimson trickles down
i retire back to my dark masquerade..

a satisfactory sensation fills me within
i wrap myself in the shroud of mist
you run out of this ghastly cemetary...
following you like a rabid beast..

the hollowed teeth sinking deep...
Carving my name across your chest
With a jagged razorblade kiss
i make you mine with this gothic embrace..


Hmm…this was one of my first poetry with a macabre gothic background, and one of my favourites too.  Its a part of me talking, in actual jealous tones. The real me is never jealous, yet i feel like there is some one or something human inside me, which makes me feel something inside my subconscious.

The author here loves a girl, as he has always been even before he ever met her. He always remains away from her, yest observing and helping her in needs, but alas being unnoticed.

In the macabre metaphor, he is a vampire waiting for her since time unknown, until she is born and is observing and caring for her since then.

She is also perfectly of his type, as if born out of a fiction, or a dream. He is so attached to her , that he forgets what he is. She brings a sense of light and warmth to him, and his entire world which has been boring and stale until now(A concept which everyone feels when in love or affection, where our mind is infected by other person, so much that in every little bit we only think of her).

In the Macabre metaphor, its displayed as she visits graveyards like a tapophile satisfying her morbid desires.and when she arrives, the vampire is glad to see her, as he imagines her presence there, changes the look and the entire existence of the graveyard(his world).

She knows he is there, always around her, yet she doesn’t realize he loves her as he is very shy about expressing things to anyone. But there are other people in her life, who always make a point of making her remember that they are there, majorly her past relationships. And as everyone knows, there are guys who try to make a drama, or pseudo emotional acts so that they can win the girl’s heart just for the sake of their longing to be in a relationship. The writer knows that when he sees her ex interfering. He is kind of less emotional and doesnot make a point to prove that he loves her, and just assumes that she knows. Her ex boyfriend makes a drama scene, making her feel guilty thus winning her. The writer hates doing such vile and schemed plots to win the girls heart, so has stayed aloof until now. but seeing this guy, he gets angered, as the guy doesnt even care for her, yet she is with him just because writer has failed to express his love. Hence he interferes finally, expressing himself to the girl. She looks a bit confused yet pleased on him, as she felt all the way that he loved her .

In the macabre metaphor, the vampire sees her boyfriend in the graveyard, who is there unwillingly. he recognizes the guy’s intentions, and so is quite angry on him. Her boyfriend just cares about the beauty of the girl and doesnot recognize her as a person, which even angers the vampire more. Yet he waits and watches as the writer explains the battle raging inside his mind. He has killed before, without any conscience but as the girl looks happy, he waits and controls himself. he is amazed as his emotional detachment for others is lessened, and he has found his mind confused whether to kill the guy or not. But seeing him making moves on the girl even without loving her truely, makes the vampire more sick, and so he attacks the guy killing him in a single snap of neck. She gets scared and makes a run out of the cemetary when he comes and finally converts her to a vampire, to be with him for eternity, confessing his love.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

NFS:The Run obsession

Mood: Adrenaline Fueled

Listening to: Venice Rooftops(Assassins Creed 2 OST)

Playing: Need for Speed: The Run

Working on: Poetry (Blood)

I always loved the Need for speed series by Electronic arts…always felt much superior than any other racing games of that time…but had lost my interest in it since NFS shift and Pro street. cause those legal racing games were no fun…trust me when i say that, its not the customization which always mattered, i never liked pimpin up my car like a rapper in NFS Underground or Most Wanted, most of the times i just kept it plain night black, sophisticated, yet dangerous. the point was, just racing made the game boring after a while. After all what defines a game is its gameplay, and not the graphics. Graphics maybe good, but its the gameplay which matters the most.
NFS The Run has outstanding graphics, no other game i have seen which looked great (In racing games).and the game is quite enjoyable too..i mean there is a lot of new stuff, and you get a nice car right from the beginning,(i like that cause you don’t have to drive a shitty car from the beginning, until you get a better one). Right now, the game industry serves quite well..i mean there are two games, which take place of each and every game. The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim and Need For Speed: The Run.
But i must note, the story of The Run has caught me. Lets see until i reach New Vegas, as currently i am gaining positions in death valley!
Here are some of my NFS: Run screenies, which might give you the taste of the delicious graphics!

Need For Speed The Run 2011-11-24 00-07-27-82

Need For Speed The Run 2011-11-24 00-11-07-16

Need For Speed The Run 2011-11-24 00-08-31-04

Need For Speed The Run 2011-11-24 01-10-36-34

Need For Speed The Run 2011-11-24 01-10-56-33

Need For Speed The Run 2011-11-24 01-12-56-32

Need For Speed The Run 2011-11-24 01-15-16-29

Need For Speed The Run 2011-11-24 01-20-06-44

These are my own screenshots. will take some more as i progress through the game!

Droid issues…

I dont know how i manage to do that thing, which gets me to screw up my gadgets, not by carelessness, but by experimentation. Yeah along with being insane i am also kind of a computer geek, gadget freak or a technophile..whatever you may call me.

I am much obsessed with technology…mainly computers and phones…especially androids, which are much greater than phones anyway (thankful to google for that.) I have been using computers since who knows when…but never till date learned Linux..and since android arrived, i stepped upto linux…since its a linux operating system…and to screw with must know it.

Well currently am really pissed because i have tried this script, which does increase its speed, but donno why connecting my droid to laptop gets it stuck. the script is V6 supercharger update 9 ver6.1. yeah..its pretty awesome…just i dont get why i can’t connect to my system.

So right now am restoring a backup….which i had created a month back..and am regretting why i didnt back my system up before i used the script. but am glad atleast i used a part of my rusty brain to install Amon RA ThunderG recovery.

Hopefully it gets back up and running, cause currently am reading about using Ubuntu on android using CHROOT, which looks pretty awesome…just have to wait till the downloads complete.(and recovery too)

now let me search for terminal emulator!

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Elder Scrolls Obsession!!!

Yes yes...i know as i said earlier i was going to post the meanings and the concepts of my poetries....then why haven't i have done it till now???
Its because i am very busy in playin the Elder Scrolls V Skyrim. Last time it happened when i was playing Fallout 3 and before that TES Oblivion. Yes they are all RPGs and all done by the great Bethesda  turning back to the point, i will post some new stuff soon enough, once my skyrim fever dwindles down.
But trust me you are going to like my poetry ..its morbid yest humorous.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Metaphorical: What my words truly mean?

Just that people never understood the true meanings of my poems, i thought why not explain them what macabre and morbid poetries truely mean. Even in the darkest of words , there are words of morality and insanity sewn together to form an art, which though displays itself as something else, but means something different. Its basically a state of mind, or a psyche at the moment, written down in words which are grotesquely metaphorical to the actual condition.

though the morbidity seems to be extreme, its not what actually being done, its just in the darkest corners of the mind.Morbidity and the protagonist, always hides the real feelings which may be i am shy, or am embarrassed to express. Writing it down in form of a macabre poetry is like saying those thoughts and feelings to everyone, but talking in a different language, such that i am telling a tale of my mind, but you can’t understand its true meaning.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Looking back at Life..

Since i have completed my post grad in one of my favourite subjects and interests ie Biotechnology..i have too much time to think about..various stuff (weird stuff),and most of the times i reflect back upon my life about how it changed..

Not long ago…i remember myself when i was a kid..i used to be angry all the time,and extremely violent as if i was suffering from some kind of borderline personality disorder, the rage and frustration was always out of control and it ended when i hurt someone(physically)…and i never knew why i was so angry.Maybe i dont remember..but the incidents are still fresh in my mind, and the people whom i have had hurt always remind me of my deeds, though they consider it as a joke, they dont know what darkness and rage dwelled in my mind at those moments.

Being very very short tempered had its side effects,maybe because i didnt fit in properly with this world...or may be my head functioned at a different frequency...or some call as a different set of wiring.
Anyways the point is i actually enjoyed doing it....pulling girls hair,tripping people,biting them(yes i bit my sister in anger until i ripped off a part of her flesh) and well getting very very angry such that i may kill someone (i would have had murdered my best friend with a sharpened pencil when i was 7 just others stopped me)..and i have destroyed 2 aquariums just throwing things at real anger (sigh those were the days..)
Anyways i am much more different now, i am so shy and silent such that people dont even notice i am always alone, researching and thinking .. i never get angry and am a very very less violent..almost at the peak of non violence. I still dont know what had changed me, but am glad it did. Now i have all the rage and bloodlust locked away in a chest somewhere deep in my mind…which is quite impossible to reach, but once in a while it does open(but rarely unless i experience something extreme). As they say, when i found my conscience, i realized how harm can be done by such rage without anything productive coming out of i locked it inside my mind and put a cloak around me.. but it changed my real nature making me more shy and introvert types.

Many other things changed along with..which was mind has become a dark place..with my interests always peaking in morbid stuff and paranormal abnormalities.I like macabre and gothic art more than anything, which my old self would never accept. I was afraid of spiders and horror movies then…and now i have a dozen of spiders as my pets which i deliberately collect in my room where they can build webs and live freely.I watch no other movies than horror genre and some steampunk and psychological thriller types.I loved blue back then, quiet and peaceful yet with a violent mind…and now i can love no other colour than black, red and violet…but i appear more peaceful now.Like my friend says maybe its the anger which i keep supressed inside changed me into something else which i was not.That doesnt mean i dont get angry at all..i get angry, but i dont show or express it, and probably with it, i locked my emotions away, which makes everyone find me cold and unfriendly  back then i was more fun except the violence part).

Yes i am morbid and have a dry morbid sense of humor (as friends describe), and my macabre tastes never fail to resurface.

But i love what i am..its fun when you are not normal..and your choices are different that the people around you get scared and worried ;)
yes mostly my love for macabre and grotesque art does look weird..and scares many people, but i like it...there are so many hidden meanings or the emotions conveyed in those images which make them so beautiful and wonderful..which normal humans fail to understand. But macabre and gothic nature is quite impressive, as anyone i meet, get scarred by me..(they never forget the weird guy) their mind opens up to a new dimension, a dark and scary place, a different path of thinking about weird stuff....which normally they would not have thought  of.

Some say we are born this way....Some say its the effect of our experiences and other socialites on our minds which cast us in to the person what we are...changing us every moment of our life at each and every turn..
I have been this way since time immortal...never remembered why i always thought different and why i was different that others....but being abnormal is fun isn't it??
I don't know what made me this way..
but am glad of what i am today...

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Emotionally Dead

The one thing i have noticed is i never feel happy nor sad for anyone..especially humans(not animals).I always wondered why? Many times i have seen people get hurt, accidents, children fallen down, bleeding and dying…i never felt bad or sad for them.Even at the other extremes if my friend wins a nobel prize..i wont feel happy..i mean i cannot express my feelings..nor do i know what to feel in such situations.I feel nothing in both conditions which keeps me aloof from society and human circles which i can never be a good part of..and have to survive blending in..

This is actually weird cause i never feel anything inside how much i try to…maybe that’s why i never celebrate anything…no birthdays, no accomplishments…nothing. Also stemming i never feel any competitive nor need for human touch…i am so obsessed in my own word and interests(which i am sure will freak you out) that i prefer to stay away from everyone who are interested in humour, respect and gossip.

I always kept guesssing this is the reason of my emotional detachment…except for my family and certain important people. And may be i am right what i most people i meet think i have zero emotional quotient…and always react in a certain aloof or weird non ethical manner.

But this has always had its many are scared of me, many think of me as a joke , weirdo or a freak.  on whom they can always hit on…but i let them..what is going to come out of it?? nothing. yeah maybe other girls and people might be impressed..and so what??..isn’t it the ritual of human nature..i.e. disrespecting others and increasing their own self confidence and respect to make a place for them in the society..and actually hitting on the misfits( who actually are much better people who are selfless but always end up getting bullied).

Call it a god complex or an illogically placed faith, a part of me tells me they will always be punished for their deeds. in the right way or not. But what do i care..right?

Still it has always left me wondering for my emotional detachment?…its not fear of loosing someone, or something important. may be its just because of my uncanny sense of feeling people just by looking at their faces which makes me realize the murkiest depths of human minds, and what darkness it holds…compared to our other brethren (animals), who are clean and innocent. May be that makes me feel less  for humans…and their selfish natures.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Being Gothic…..


You see a person sitting in a corner….dressed all black, an expressionless face and a weird vibe around him….a weird sense of anger and enigma in his eyes….you cant make out…what he is??..a human or someone else… i am not talking about Edward Cullen…but a Goth!!

So who are goths?? are they the worshippers of satan and devil, practise black magic…and always think about death and draw weird,freaky,scary drawings..??


They are people with a different perspective towards life….different than what normal people have…they just see the world in a different way..and so..are different!

But they are generally viewed as laughing stocks and are constantly nagged by other peers..making them hostile towards society…but that doesnt mean they are sociopathic or haters…just they dont take any interests in human affairs and society as their minds are occupied by a host of other things…but once you get to know them….you will know what they actually are!!

What exactly are GOTHS??

If the historical perspective is left out…it actually is a subculture…consisting of artistic, intellectual people with insatiabe curiosity and a hunger for knowledge about the world’s weirdest things…including the paranormal and supernatural references….they are generally accounted with…

How to become one??(because they are cooler and different)

many wonder this question…Unfortunately you cant…goths are born that way..and the insanity and hunger which rages in their minds cannot be developed by normal people..its a given gift for the goths..of course they have to payback in terms of social unacceptibility, awkwardness and constant nagging and being center of humour and most jokes, and a lesser developed sense of humour….but still they do possess a different perspective, higher level of intellectualism,broad mindedness and other things which in some sense can be termed as modern enlightenment.. i a Goth??

Yes..this happens….most people know they are weird, have interests normal humans dont have…and dont exactly know where they belong to…for them there are certain things to make out…

i got this part from Azhrarn’s work so do credit him for it..

  • You feel the need to spend a lot of time creating things (music, art, poetry, philosophies, stories and the like)
  • Your creative efforts are often described as dark, shocking, scary, morbid or strange
  • You like museums and cultural centers
  • You understand and even enjoy Shakespeare, Shelley, Browning or some other similar work without having to read the Cliffe Notes
  • You know the difference between nihilism and existentialism, even if you don't really live by either
  • You feel you are from a different planet
  • You really, truly enjoy music of many kinds
  • You are a very sensual person (aware of color, texture, sound, taste and scent)
  • You don't understand why the people around you spend so much time watching TV
  • You don't feel comfortable looking just like everyone else you know
  • You do feel comfortable just being yourself, even if no one else around is anything like you
  • You have no interest to know why people gossip and chat and tease
  • You wonder "why" a lot, and come up with some interesting answers
  • You wonder "how" a lot, and often figure it out on your own
  • You don't just reject something because you don't understand it
  • You base your opinions of people on who they are and what they do rather than what they look like
  • You are not afraid of the unknown
  • You are not afraid of the dark
  • You are afraid of mediocrity

well in this case my friend…you are a goth!!

False things about us!!

  • All Goths must wear black. Color is not Goth.  there is nothing like it…goths do like different colors just these colors help them blend into their surroundings as they dont like to crave attention and get highlighted…wearing a specific color is a personal opinion…but goths wear black is majorly because Black is the best possible color, always looks good, is dark, absorbs energy…and always shows a sophistication in it..
  • Goth is a subculture based on a musical style. Not exactly…No.many get this impression because of the lyrics of most songs and the make up and style.though generally goths enjoy pianos, choirs and violins..which can be said to be influenced in music…
  • All Goths listen to the same music. hmm..its likely but not always…major instruments always include pianos, choirs and violins in general
  • All Goths are fixated on death. always seems to be like this but NO they are not always fixated on death…but rather they spend more time in wondering and thinking philosophies and reading and researching with their perspective they know more about death…and stuff related…majorly is reflected by their macabre and horror tastes
    Goths are by and large more fixated on the concept of beauty as an abstract, creative endeavors (both their own and those of historical origins) and simply trying to get ahead in a society that doesn't share their individual aesthetics, values and principals.


  • All Goths drink a lot/do drugs. Not at all….they can as normal humans can…and its not like all goths drink and do drugs…its a personal choiceGoths are not all completely clean-cut, squeaky-clean sober types, but we aren't all into drugs.
  • Goths don't laugh except to mock others. Not at all…goths do laugh..and i do laugh at many other things than failures of others..Just they dont like the normal sense of humour, or jokes cracked or someone being teased as always happens in this they never appear to laugh..but you can see them smiling alone thinking…on a personal joke or a weird thought.
  • Goths all have tattoos and piercings. Not at all…these are the works of skin goths…who pretend to be goths..its just a personal choice of opinion
  • Goths always wear a lot of makeup. hmm…well make up is good..and not always but mostly they like the times of victorian culture aand so you see a sense of sophistication in them. Well gothic make up generally reflects nothing on their expressionless faces..and once again is a personal opinion and choice.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Aspie Goths??

just a few days ago my friend suggested me a person ..extremely weird..insane, erratic and perfectly matching my kind…but still having no interest in darkside..nor interests in any weird topics and subjects.This guy had autism….a mental disorder having impaired neural activity.thus making him erratic..but he had certain other gifts with him…like he never gets bored..he will listen to a bunch of songs continuously entire day and still wont get bored. but if there are loud noises, people shouting..he cant walk away but just says his head starts paining.ha has always been a laughing stock..but that strikes a similarity and a nerve in my head.

goths always behave different cause they are different.They always feel they are from a different planet.hmm…this has always been my experience..after all only a goth will know better..

but what exactly caught my interest is that i too must be prey to one such weird disorder. and after a bit of research i finallly found it. it is known as Asperger’s Syndrome….though i am normal in linguistic abilities, and have quite IQ to be a more than average student…i always have been weird and teased through my life by normal people as i never could adjust with them…ofcourse i have been a goth and an outcast my entire life…but now i thought i could understand the reason why so.

Asperger’s syndrome has many things which i can notice many of my goth friends doing…being highly perceptive and at such limits to think themselves having some kind of supernatural ability(me too included), sensitive to high sounds or light…hmm..i am too both…if i hear loud noises..i dont seem to be able to focus on anything..become extremely violent and fall sick most of the times…..sensitivity light has actually made me nocturnal(like a vamp Smile)….though it has no effect ,i feel very uncomfortable and uneasy in bright lights. hearing sense though seems better as i can hear a pin drop in a class full of people or can listen and makeout conversations among groups of people easier…making it always easier for me to eaves drop.

the weirdness doesnt end here but majorly is observed in social interactions and emotional receptions.i can never make good friends except a few whom i actually will talk the whole day..i donno why these people are exceptions but its better as atleast i can talk properly with them and they understand me.

Rest i am bullied and have been a laughingstock as i never am intrested in teasing and abusing have no interest in human affairs and social life….so the normal brethren take it up on they know i wont hit back..

i also dont seem to feel any emotions and never have been able to understand the emotions between two people or a person and how should i approach i cant exactly sense the emotions behind it. it exactly is weird..but in case of my girlfriend..i can still sense emotions and behave accordingly..luckily she adds up to the bunch of understanding few.

also among other things i observed is i can never remember faces of people how much i seem to try and is always reflected in my art where i am always unable to draw a characters face..not that it matters as its mostly macabre and gothic drawings. though i can perfectly remember phone numbers and bank account numbers , user names passwords, and many such other things in just a single read. This seems weird but also cool as i never have to enter the contact list or maintain a diary of numbers and usernames and passwords.

hmm…insomnia may also account but its not exactly insomnia..i cant sleep until i want to..if i dont lie on my bed for half an hour and try to sleep i can go on for 3-4 days at a stretch without falling asleep and without any need to sleep. also food requirement seems to m=be minimal as i can eat once in two days and dont feel hungry…also drink a glass of water once a day and still remain satisfied.

I dont particularly have any interest in humor and jokes cracked at me or anyone else.

after this i actually found a community of goths called Aspie Goths…hmm..may be they too must be like this…but as far as i have known..this is more amazing and awesome…than being a normal person!!

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