I am always in awe of our complex minds…..its like something which you own yet never fully understand it till we die! And you do realize its true! and we never think about it!
But every time i embrace my darkest side, a part of me realizes the depths, the darkest halls inside me, which were never explored! and it makes me realize…every time i push, i enter a new dimension,a hibernal reality, which i could never have witnessed if i hadn’t tried ! but my mind progresses, as i learn and get acclimated with that darkness and next time, its not something i have to pull out of the depths, its already a part of me.Thus pushing my mind to its extremes, or might i consider i don't push it, it just wanders there, and i love to wander.
I have this insanity which i have to hide from every one. Its not something offensive like a paraphilia, cause paraphilic tendencies are related to sexual feelings and fetishes, and mine is not. Also paraphiles are not actually insane, they are normal, appear normal, but there is something off about them. Lets just say they have different flavours and tastes..hehe. I don't blame or judge them, cause for me its normal, for normal its not normal. People are just born.. this way or there are certain incidents which make them the way they are. But to the point, my mind is somewhat different, which i can’t truly explain. and lets not discuss it in detail, as it might be quite sociopathic in real life.
The point is.. the insanity, or whatever it is, changes everyone or at least it has changed me…or lets just say instead of pretending it i have plainly accepted it, and now it feels much better. But this insanity twists our soul or the mind, making me blind to humanity and what it links to. I don't feel emotions or mostly they are just plain twisted, which make me react erratically to normal scenarios, which tells people there is something off about me. actually i don't know how to react to those scenes, and producing emotions which should look authentic is very difficult. That’s why if someone approaches me with some bad news or good news(about them), i cant suddenly react, leaving me staring at them with a blank expression! I mean i don't know what to say to them to make them feel ok. This is the main reason for my lack of enthusiasm and excitement. but having my nerve centres and emotional pieces eternally depressed or cut off has a benefit as it breeds patience. The thing is i have dug my mind high and low, and yet i get more and more insane…
Pretending to be insane and being insane are extremely different conditions. but its always better to pretend. I pretend to have a part of insanity like a poser so others think i am just pretending or am an unexplained psychopath, but it helps in cloaking my true self, the true form of insanity inside.and i have many friends who love to pretend like they are insane, just to be friends with me! i cant imagine why would someone want that..!! if you truly have a certain madness inside, you can easily tell who else has, and who is pretending.
Mostly whoever have this darkness harboured inside are off, as they are themselves twisted inside. But yet its quite difficult to know who is what kinds of insane. Its like a masquerade, where everyone wears masks, which are the faces they show to the world, or by which the saner people know them, but its the trick to see what face they have behind those masks which no one knows, the secrets and fetishes they have it hidden. So for now i do have to wear my own mask which blends with my original face to show i am pretending, to hide the truth. who think they know me are so lost and its sometimes quite amusing to see them being fooled cause they will literally die of shock if they ever encounter my true self. hemophagia and taphophilia are just the most milder concepts of my darkest darkness.
Many of you saner minds might not know what i am talking about. Its not in every individual to think about certain stuff and not feel bad about it. or maybe saner minds cant think about it..cause they are blind to the complex reality, the web and particles of life surrounding them, linking them to each other, changing every moment based on the decisions, actions and consequences.
Listening to: Still (Chiasm)
Writing: Poetry (Immortal’s Lament)
Playing: Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodlines