Friday, September 21, 2012

Loneliness…and intoxication.

Mood: Lonely

Listening to: Hear of Courage – Two steps from hell

Writing: The Plague and the Doctor

Playing: Borderlands (PC)

Watching: Sweeney Todd : Demon barber of fleet street

Drinking: Whiskey

Ok… am a little intoxicated, probably as usual..cause its the only way i can be myself…in the sense of being a bit more human and little less morbid. I am listening to Two steps from hell discographies and just instrumentals to get my head straight since last 3 hours and its already 2.00am. Though i admit i am tired, but i am not able to sleep.

You may have realized me tweeting all the time about some girl i like, some girl i hate and what not, But actually i don't know how to define it! I do fall for them…but now its mostly left as a mental  infatuation rather some physical attraction. If i enjoy talking with a girl, i most likely will fall for her, no matter her physical manifestation. and it bugs me! its getting too hard to blend with guys of my age…cause guys expect different things out of girls!

Obviously i wont be mentioning any names here..but people mostly understand if i am talking about them. truthfully i am never able to flirt with girls, as i have no sense of humour which i regret very very much. I still date never made any move on any girl cause frankly i don't understand their emotional needs to match up to their speed and depth and they do realize it, alienating me. its one thing i have always wondered, guys can never understand if i am faking appreciations, sadness, laughter…but girls seem to pick up on my tells. Mostly i have been saying ‘yes ‘ to any girl who asks me out…because i have this concept, which i think underlies everything. Consider you like someone..and you ask him/her out and she denies…you fell bad, broken. but if he/she accepts it..you feel something different..something like you have power to conquer this entire world.  no matter if the relationship is short, or maybe its just 2 dates…yet you don't feel as bad as you do if your crush just denies you the first time. That’s why i accept, cause if someone likes me…i might as well be making her day..by doing something good.

Since my mind is overflowing with things right now and i got no one to talk with…as i rarely talk with people.  Alcohol opens me up..but yet, i never let out any of my thoughts and opinions as society thinks them to be too much twisted and different than what everyone thinks to be normal! this has turned me into a liar…lying and pretending about things and stories just to look normal, so i can at least converse , without being the freak of my social circles.Even girls who do like me…start keeping their distance once they know  i write poetries, draw art and listen to classic rock, instrumentals and more of themes and pieces, its just not my thing to track each and every thing that goes in the current world! i keep a track of what is important like gadgets, OSes, scientific superiorities and advances, biology and biotechnology, forensics, psychological disorders, and epidemiology of bacteria and viruses.  is it that bad? cause most of the things i know no one is ever interested in. they only care about crappy movies, romantic bullshit and what’s happening in lives of celebrities, which frankly is pointless. this not only separates me as we have nothing in common, but also makes them feel weird talking with me.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Loved and Lost ~ By nousdementor

I had always been too fond, for this beauty so charming and eloquent

but i had been chasing a delusional dream, making my life so still and stagnant

Though i still adore her...tis' one thing i don't understand,

Like as if i am chained to her,stuck in her own morbid piece of wonderland

 

Her name summons ripples, in the bowels of my miserable heart,

As I lie alone conjuring, these demons out of my broken past!

They trickle down slowly, choked by those eternal sweet memories...

Lost from her mind..as they lie silent like those forgotten reveries.

 

The voices doth whispered, seducing tis' mind to their melodies so velvet

to stray my thoughts away, as he approaches at her heart's gate

his every touch on her nectarine skin, inside it does burn!

this porphyric heart being scorched, by her luminescence, like the cruel sun.

 

She hath loved me , acquainted with me.. long enough to know,

what sorcery resides in the murky depths, ruling my mind above

Hath she known what it meant being twisted, and to be so recluse macabre

its naught what she had expected, from a person with a surface so sober

 

For her, it doesn't matter, as her heart is now in a different place...

Yet the recesses of my mind, are filled with the illusions of her beautiful face

My senses mocking me..laughing at my tragic situation,

permeating through my fragile soul, taunting those dripping emotions.

 

A different soul hath she been searching, she thought resided inside of me

who might provide her love, cause it was love what she wanted it to be

But she couldn't understand this mystery, of emptiness that dwelled inside

a person so gentle, masquerading dark fetishes to abide

 

I loved her too, but i couldn't tell her..as now it was all but too late,

she had realised what i was inside, left alone with a mask.. all but too fake

I wished.. as i dreamt, hoping she might understand and decide to stay

but the more closer i got, she went more farther away

 

She never understood my love,it was stronger than what she thought it to be,

but i could never express, the way she expected it out of me

No effort you might think, but i did try..and i kept trying

but each moment she went farther away, a part of me, kept dying

 

Alas,

she is gone now, to some other soul, in search for her perfect dream,

reminding me every time , i watch the beautiful moon in the night sky beam

as i lie alone in my thoughts , trying for her one day to return for me

with no other thought than to love me, and be loved by me.

 

Modestly speaking of course, i have always observed that people do like me and they do want me around. but its just the more they know of me..or get closer to me..they realize i am something different ,making them move away from me. they wish for some human connection..which exactly i fail to provide.

This prose is about one of the girls who liked me…loved me..but as we got closer they realized my emptiness and thus ended it by dumping me. Many of the times it has happened is that even i liked the girl…but just couldn't make her understand i loved her in my own way…compensating my romantic and emotional insensitivity. But they never did understand…making me over the years stop trying to behave normal(trust me which was getting harder day by day) and try and impress girls like most of the boys of my age do. Back to the exact translation of this prose…in which i tried to be a bit romantic.

I loved this special girl, being infatuated by her charm and grace..making me obsessed with her. but a part of me realizes i am just wasting my life by letting it revolve around her…and since our relation is not moving forward, its making me stagnant. yet my thoughts are so very infected by her that everywhere i only see of her, think of her.

Every time i just hear her name…i feel like i am being punched in my heart, as her every memory just gushes in my mind increasing my miserable agony. Still  i cant stop thinking about her..making my eyes wet in sadness about those sweet memories (with her when she didn't know my true self) now etched eternally in my mind .My better thinking self  keeps warning me about the pain i will always feel whenever i might see her with some other guy.

We know we have liked each other but no one takes the step, until she comes close to me only to realize i don't have that human part which she is so desperately searching for , making me a bit cold, insensitive and unemotional in the inside, while proper, gentle nice person portrayed on the outside.

She had always thought of me as a nice person, expecting love and an emotional  long lasting relationship of two hearts. but she is unable to understand the empty and detached feeling i have in my insides, for which i try really hard to hide from the outer world. My entire appearance , exposure , portrayal is just a mask hiding me, shielding my emptiness. and she realizes it as she gets closer towards me…(cause girls when they are focussed on you, can realize your emotional insensitivity no matter how much you may try to hide it.)

she just runs away from me without realizing i loved her too…but just in a different way. i may not be too much of romantic,emotional or sensitive, but i am caring, gentle and  trying my very best to feel and connect with her human part. but she just doesn't understand. that’s why i let her go…but a part of me hopes she will understand someday and return to me.

I may never get angry, possessive or even jealous when we were together, i might never even feel bad for all the things she says to me.....but that doesn't mean i don't care for her. I listen to all her things , but don't tell her mine..because i don't have anything interesting to tell.what interests me is some thing no one ever is interested in or ever understands about, and that’s the exact reason i don't expose myself as she may not be interested in things i know about.She knows my interests are different , but all the time she has been with me,she doesn't realize,the only one thing i was always interested  in…was HER. the way she speaks, the way her eyes light up at mention of something interesting, the way she laughs, plays with her hair, or stares at me…just to keep looking at me until one of us nods and smiles.

Cause its not jealousy, possessiveness, infatuation, physical attraction, display of unnatural attraction, emotional dramas which defines Love…its just a connection between two people where they respect each other , care for each other..and understand each other no matter how different things might be. Its Loyalty, honesty and morality which truly defines LOVE.

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Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.

Monday, September 10, 2012

A Macabre Lover by ~nousdementor

 

There is something tragic in a way,
angry at me you look far away,
Across the meadow in your fathomless eyes,
reflecting those hues of these shallow skies

The sky though seems so shapeless today,
it does show a pattern in a twisted way
Ever-changing and dancing with those winds away
teasing your auburn hair as they sway..

I spend my time, watching the gleam on your face
though you look away in a unsaid disgrace,
It doesn't matter as you love me inside..
(How do i know?)
I can see your lips curl a smile by their side..

So, don't look so angry dear,
cause for you even those flowers wither,
Their petals fade and blur,
in thy sight, ashamed of the beauty they bear..

You are surrounded by those meticulous hues,
cloaking inside the true form of you..
Looking at you i find it pure and true,
Yest you look away hiding in the shade of blue..

You creates ripples in my miserable heart,
beating for you in its every part..
Aching in the joy of being with you,
dancing in the agony of loving so true...

Yest you are so angry my dear,
Is it the reason I am so macabre??
Do you compare thee to be loved by the dead..
to be so infected as in my life you were made..

Yest you are here sitting with me..
even this darkest night knows..
together we were meant to be..
as it cloaks our fragile brittle love,
which vanishs with the light
like a raven picking a mourning dove...

Shalt i bathe the moon in my feathered blood,
only to dim the shine it floods,
As it clouds the stars out of your sight..
looking at us in this divine moonlight..

Shalt your nectarine skin i caress,
with these severed limbs of the love-struck poet
As you wear thy florentine dress,
wrapped in my cold morbid velvet...

Shalt i sing those lullabies of the past,
how their loves were never meant to last...
Or shalt i enchant you with a macabre tale...
of death and horror on them as it befell...

O' my dear, Open thy eyes..
look at me once before i vanish..
In this luminiscence of the morning skies...
Painted red in my dying night..
Blinding those stars in its light..

Or were you angry on thee my dear,
cause in the light i disappear,
like a thought in your mind you've reared,
to be with you in those nightmares you feared??

Creative commons license

Friday, September 7, 2012

A missing piece..

Mood: Lonely

Listening to: You are lost little girl – The 69 eyes

Writing: Dear Masochist

Playing: The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim (Dawnguard)

Watching: The Woman in Black

Drinking: Tea

Its really weird…to feel something for someone..which as of late i am finding quite difficult. Everyone makes it seem so easy..to understand, connect and feel for other people, but with me..i just can’t. And i find that very wrong. Maybe i am missing some piece, and i cant figure out what! It was quite easy some time back…but now everybody knows, i am faking my feelings,my emotions, laughter, sadness just for the sake of them.

And it certainly has become quite difficult for me. I can no longer fake it..and no longer take it. its like i have had it up to the brim, and my fate just keeps putting such social humans in front of me, whom i can barely connect with. maybe its the turn of events which is trying to teach me something, and i just cant figure out what. maybe i will..and i should.

I just don't know how to make people feel welcome, friendly..connect with them…and provide them some warmth which makes them comfortable. I have always been thought of as cold, enigmatic, serious, shy and oblivious to surroundings. i am the last person you will go to if you need a friend, moral support, or even someone just to hug.

I have always been proud of my emotional insensitivity, but sometimes i do feel, i wish i could care…feel something as a human, connect with everyone…make my life easier and i have it inside me…i just don't know how to get it back up…make it alive. for the handful of people who actually know me…know that i am normal inside…its just lost somewhere in the dark emptiness. I care for them..i really do..but its just not what they want out of me, and i don't know how to make them understand that.  just i care differently…i am not going to hug you..and say ‘there, there…everything’s gonna be perfectly fine!’ cause that’s a big fat lie..yet people want to hear it. and i don't understand why to lie, just to make other person feel comfortable, relaxed.

As far as i have known my life…i may be twisted, insane, or freak as everyone refers me to be..but i have always been honest, moral, and loyal and nobody can take that away from me! But they just don't realize.

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