Friday, September 14, 2012

Loved and Lost ~ By nousdementor

I had always been too fond, for this beauty so charming and eloquent

but i had been chasing a delusional dream, making my life so still and stagnant

Though i still adore her...tis' one thing i don't understand,

Like as if i am chained to her,stuck in her own morbid piece of wonderland


Her name summons ripples, in the bowels of my miserable heart,

As I lie alone conjuring, these demons out of my broken past!

They trickle down slowly, choked by those eternal sweet memories...

Lost from her they lie silent like those forgotten reveries.


The voices doth whispered, seducing tis' mind to their melodies so velvet

to stray my thoughts away, as he approaches at her heart's gate

his every touch on her nectarine skin, inside it does burn!

this porphyric heart being scorched, by her luminescence, like the cruel sun.


She hath loved me , acquainted with me.. long enough to know,

what sorcery resides in the murky depths, ruling my mind above

Hath she known what it meant being twisted, and to be so recluse macabre

its naught what she had expected, from a person with a surface so sober


For her, it doesn't matter, as her heart is now in a different place...

Yet the recesses of my mind, are filled with the illusions of her beautiful face

My senses mocking me..laughing at my tragic situation,

permeating through my fragile soul, taunting those dripping emotions.


A different soul hath she been searching, she thought resided inside of me

who might provide her love, cause it was love what she wanted it to be

But she couldn't understand this mystery, of emptiness that dwelled inside

a person so gentle, masquerading dark fetishes to abide


I loved her too, but i couldn't tell now it was all but too late,

she had realised what i was inside, left alone with a mask.. all but too fake

I wished.. as i dreamt, hoping she might understand and decide to stay

but the more closer i got, she went more farther away


She never understood my love,it was stronger than what she thought it to be,

but i could never express, the way she expected it out of me

No effort you might think, but i did try..and i kept trying

but each moment she went farther away, a part of me, kept dying



she is gone now, to some other soul, in search for her perfect dream,

reminding me every time , i watch the beautiful moon in the night sky beam

as i lie alone in my thoughts , trying for her one day to return for me

with no other thought than to love me, and be loved by me.


Modestly speaking of course, i have always observed that people do like me and they do want me around. but its just the more they know of me..or get closer to me..they realize i am something different ,making them move away from me. they wish for some human connection..which exactly i fail to provide.

This prose is about one of the girls who liked me…loved me..but as we got closer they realized my emptiness and thus ended it by dumping me. Many of the times it has happened is that even i liked the girl…but just couldn't make her understand i loved her in my own way…compensating my romantic and emotional insensitivity. But they never did understand…making me over the years stop trying to behave normal(trust me which was getting harder day by day) and try and impress girls like most of the boys of my age do. Back to the exact translation of this prose…in which i tried to be a bit romantic.

I loved this special girl, being infatuated by her charm and grace..making me obsessed with her. but a part of me realizes i am just wasting my life by letting it revolve around her…and since our relation is not moving forward, its making me stagnant. yet my thoughts are so very infected by her that everywhere i only see of her, think of her.

Every time i just hear her name…i feel like i am being punched in my heart, as her every memory just gushes in my mind increasing my miserable agony. Still  i cant stop thinking about her..making my eyes wet in sadness about those sweet memories (with her when she didn't know my true self) now etched eternally in my mind .My better thinking self  keeps warning me about the pain i will always feel whenever i might see her with some other guy.

We know we have liked each other but no one takes the step, until she comes close to me only to realize i don't have that human part which she is so desperately searching for , making me a bit cold, insensitive and unemotional in the inside, while proper, gentle nice person portrayed on the outside.

She had always thought of me as a nice person, expecting love and an emotional  long lasting relationship of two hearts. but she is unable to understand the empty and detached feeling i have in my insides, for which i try really hard to hide from the outer world. My entire appearance , exposure , portrayal is just a mask hiding me, shielding my emptiness. and she realizes it as she gets closer towards me…(cause girls when they are focussed on you, can realize your emotional insensitivity no matter how much you may try to hide it.)

she just runs away from me without realizing i loved her too…but just in a different way. i may not be too much of romantic,emotional or sensitive, but i am caring, gentle and  trying my very best to feel and connect with her human part. but she just doesn't understand. that’s why i let her go…but a part of me hopes she will understand someday and return to me.

I may never get angry, possessive or even jealous when we were together, i might never even feel bad for all the things she says to me.....but that doesn't mean i don't care for her. I listen to all her things , but don't tell her mine..because i don't have anything interesting to tell.what interests me is some thing no one ever is interested in or ever understands about, and that’s the exact reason i don't expose myself as she may not be interested in things i know about.She knows my interests are different , but all the time she has been with me,she doesn't realize,the only one thing i was always interested  in…was HER. the way she speaks, the way her eyes light up at mention of something interesting, the way she laughs, plays with her hair, or stares at me…just to keep looking at me until one of us nods and smiles.

Cause its not jealousy, possessiveness, infatuation, physical attraction, display of unnatural attraction, emotional dramas which defines Love…its just a connection between two people where they respect each other , care for each other..and understand each other no matter how different things might be. Its Loyalty, honesty and morality which truly defines LOVE.

Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.

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