Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Weekends and bookends...

Mood: lonely

Drinking: coffee

Listening : Shine on you crazy diamond - pink Floyd

Watching: edge of tomorrow

Reading: Salem's lot

Weekends usually give me a jittery feeling.  Initially I used to think probably because of my insecurities about people running away when I am not with them...but now I think it may be...or it may not be. Some scars may never heal...but we can learn to overlook them...and with time, forget them...unless someone decides to claw at them. But enough blabbering about random out of topic stuff.

Maybe my insecurity lies with something greater than just people. Its my own life which has been forked out in two different worlds. When I go away from my PG room over the weekends * probably fortnightly*  to visit my hometown...I feel as if I am entering to a different world where the time is different...I have people to take care of me...which is different than my usual solitary recluse self. Actually I loose my independence in a way of living my life. But its not bad....I just feel I don't belong there.

Which brings me to the bookends....or closures. I cannot rest easy unless I finish a book...and I cannot be at peace unless I find a closure *accept it... Partial things and knowledge are always dangerous and harmful*. And when I get free time on weekends I actually don't want to start anything...which I may not be able to complete....because I probably have too many things at my hand and over the week busy with work, I may never finish what I started. This leaves me bored and longing to return back to the place from where I came.

People also make it difficult. Whenever we add humans in the always gets complex. The people who stay with me all the time during the week...just disappear or ignore me over the week...*probably what I think in my head* and they think they are giving me space....which I am pretty sure I don't require. And there comes my insanity crashing down. Cause I am stuck in some void where I have nothing to do....and the one thing which pulls me back to the world I come from....ignores me.

Its funny how we can never understand time. The free time especially...which passes on...taking my bits of my patience with its every moment.

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