Friday, October 21, 2011

Looking back at Life..

Since i have completed my post grad in one of my favourite subjects and interests ie Biotechnology..i have too much time to think about..various stuff (weird stuff),and most of the times i reflect back upon my life about how it changed..

Not long ago…i remember myself when i was a kid..i used to be angry all the time,and extremely violent as if i was suffering from some kind of borderline personality disorder, the rage and frustration was always out of control and it ended when i hurt someone(physically)…and i never knew why i was so angry.Maybe i dont remember..but the incidents are still fresh in my mind, and the people whom i have had hurt always remind me of my deeds, though they consider it as a joke, they dont know what darkness and rage dwelled in my mind at those moments.

Being very very short tempered had its side effects,maybe because i didnt fit in properly with this world...or may be my head functioned at a different frequency...or some call as a different set of wiring.
Anyways the point is i actually enjoyed doing it....pulling girls hair,tripping people,biting them(yes i bit my sister in anger until i ripped off a part of her flesh) and well getting very very angry such that i may kill someone (i would have had murdered my best friend with a sharpened pencil when i was 7 just others stopped me)..and i have destroyed 2 aquariums just throwing things at it...in real anger (sigh those were the days..)
Anyways i am much more different now, i am so shy and silent such that people dont even notice i am there....am always alone, researching and thinking .. i never get angry and am a very very less violent..almost at the peak of non violence. I still dont know what had changed me, but am glad it did. Now i have all the rage and bloodlust locked away in a chest somewhere deep in my mind…which is quite impossible to reach, but once in a while it does open(but rarely unless i experience something extreme). As they say, when i found my conscience, i realized how harm can be done by such rage without anything productive coming out of it..so i locked it inside my mind and put a cloak around me.. but it changed my real nature making me more shy and introvert types.

Many other things changed along with..which was weird..my mind has become a dark place..with my interests always peaking in morbid stuff and paranormal abnormalities.I like macabre and gothic art more than anything, which my old self would never accept. I was afraid of spiders and horror movies then…and now i have a dozen of spiders as my pets which i deliberately collect in my room where they can build webs and live freely.I watch no other movies than horror genre and some steampunk and psychological thriller types.I loved blue back then, quiet and peaceful yet with a violent mind…and now i can love no other colour than black, red and violet…but i appear more peaceful now.Like my friend says maybe its the anger which i keep supressed inside changed me into something else which i was not.That doesnt mean i dont get angry at all..i get angry, but i dont show or express it, and probably with it, i locked my emotions away, which makes everyone find me cold and unfriendly  back then i was more fun except the violence part).

Yes i am morbid and have a dry morbid sense of humor (as friends describe), and my macabre tastes never fail to resurface.

But i love what i am..its fun when you are not normal..and your choices are different...so different that the people around you get scared and worried ;)
yes mostly my love for macabre and grotesque art does look weird..and scares many people, but i like it...there are so many hidden meanings or the emotions conveyed in those images which make them so beautiful and wonderful..which normal humans fail to understand. But macabre and gothic nature is quite impressive, as anyone i meet, get scarred by me..(they never forget the weird guy)..as their mind opens up to a new dimension, a dark and scary place, a different path of thinking about weird stuff....which normally they would not have thought  of.

Some say we are born this way....Some say its the effect of our experiences and other socialites on our minds which cast us in to the person what we are...changing us every moment of our life at each and every turn..
I have been this way since time immortal...never remembered why i always thought different and why i was different that others....but being abnormal is fun isn't it??
I don't know what made me this way..
but am glad of what i am today...

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