Listening to: You are lost little girl – The 69 eyes
Writing: Dear Masochist
Playing: The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim (Dawnguard)
Watching: The Woman in Black
Its really weird…to feel something for someone..which as of late i am finding quite difficult. Everyone makes it seem so easy..to understand, connect and feel for other people, but with me..i just can’t. And i find that very wrong. Maybe i am missing some piece, and i cant figure out what! It was quite easy some time back…but now everybody knows, i am faking my feelings,my emotions, laughter, sadness just for the sake of them.
And it certainly has become quite difficult for me. I can no longer fake it..and no longer take it. its like i have had it up to the brim, and my fate just keeps putting such social humans in front of me, whom i can barely connect with. maybe its the turn of events which is trying to teach me something, and i just cant figure out what. maybe i will..and i should.
I just don't know how to make people feel welcome, friendly..connect with them…and provide them some warmth which makes them comfortable. I have always been thought of as cold, enigmatic, serious, shy and oblivious to surroundings. i am the last person you will go to if you need a friend, moral support, or even someone just to hug.
I have always been proud of my emotional insensitivity, but sometimes i do feel, i wish i could care…feel something as a human, connect with everyone…make my life easier and i have it inside me…i just don't know how to get it back up…make it alive. for the handful of people who actually know me…know that i am normal inside…its just lost somewhere in the dark emptiness. I care for them..i really do..but its just not what they want out of me, and i don't know how to make them understand that. just i care differently…i am not going to hug you..and say ‘there, there…everything’s gonna be perfectly fine!’ cause that’s a big fat lie..yet people want to hear it. and i don't understand why to lie, just to make other person feel comfortable, relaxed.
As far as i have known my life…i may be twisted, insane, or freak as everyone refers me to be..but i have always been honest, moral, and loyal and nobody can take that away from me! But they just don't realize.